She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
