i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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