dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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