just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dear god my vagina.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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