I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
