How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I want to have your abortion
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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