So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
