did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
