you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
