just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
