i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
