I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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