The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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