somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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