I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
