Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
