I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
