Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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