I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
