im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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