my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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