i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
