Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
