this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
