I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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