Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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