I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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