census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
