I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
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