dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
