you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
