Nicole vs. Life
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
