Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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