just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
