Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
