I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
