Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
