How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
