I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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