She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
