I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
