There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I got inside last night via doggy door
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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