Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
