I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Randomize
