I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
