If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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