im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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