My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
