bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
