I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
