Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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