My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
thus making me awesome and them whores
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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