She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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