So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
