My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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